Dear Friends,<\/p>\n
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. All those forwards with promises of riches, blessings, curses, etc. Please read the rest…<\/p>\n
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. <\/p>\n
I can’t sit down on the hotel bed spread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. <\/p>\n
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot) <\/p>\n
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. <\/p>\n
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck! <\/p>\n
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. <\/p>\n
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. <\/p>\n
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the1,387,258th time. <\/p>\n
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates\/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. <\/p>\n
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish. <\/p>\n
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. <\/p>\n
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. <\/p>\n
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. <\/p>\n
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. <\/p>\n
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas. <\/p>\n
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans. <\/p>\n
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. <\/p>\n
And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life. <\/p>\n
Oh, and thanks for letting me know and causing me to get more exercise since I hang my clothes outside to dry because the lint trap in my dryer may catch on fire. <\/p>\n
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. <\/p>\n
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. <\/p>\n
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. <\/p>\n
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army. <\/p>\n
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan. <\/p>\n
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. <\/p>\n
Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. <\/p>\n
And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. <\/p>\n
I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies! <\/p>\n
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician. <\/p>\n
Have a wonderful day…. <\/p>\n
Oh, by the way. …. <\/p>\n
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail and blogs with their hand on the mouse. <\/p>\n
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late. <\/p>\n
Sincerely, <\/p>\n
Your Email & Blogging Buddy! <\/p>\n
I received this in an email from a friend. It is the best one I’ve gotten this year. LOL<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear Friends, I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. All those forwards with promises of riches, blessings, curses, etc. Please read the rest…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-412","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-rants"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/clarksite.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/412","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/clarksite.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/clarksite.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/clarksite.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/clarksite.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=412"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/clarksite.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/412\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":730,"href":"https:\/\/clarksite.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/412\/revisions\/730"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/clarksite.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=412"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/clarksite.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=412"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/clarksite.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=412"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}